Let Me List the Ways Read online

  I was busy tossing a handful when lights flashed from the end of the street. Nolan and I ran for cover, tucking ourselves between Henry’s house and the neighbors’. The car slowed to a stop in front and my heart jumped up and into my throat. We’d never been this close to being caught before and I suddenly worried we would be in a lot of trouble. Just when I thought I might actually pass out from the adrenaline coursing through my system, I heard a young voice say, “That’s impressive” from the car and then the sound of a phone taking pictures. Another voice from the car said, “He deserves it. Asshole.”

  Once the car drove off, Nolan pulled me up to my feet and we ran back to his truck. I took one last look at our masterpiece as we drove past it and down to the other end of the street. In the stillness of the dark night, I realized even though we might never TP another house together, we’d always be there to help right the wrongs that would happen in our lives. Look at what the two of us could do with love, friendship, and a few cases of toilet paper.

  Twenty-Three

  I FELT THE sharp stick of the lancet as my eyes fluttered open early the next day. My mom was standing above me, testing my blood sugar without her glasses. A few nights a week my mom would wake up with what she referred to as an “intuitive feeling,” and she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until she knew my blood sugar was okay. It was always funny to watch her try to squint so she could see the small print on my meter. I sat up and startled her, but she didn’t scream. She just held her hand over her heart as I held my hand out for her to put the meter in.

  “Why are you sleeping in your hoodie?” she asked as she sat down next to me on my bed.

  “I was cold. One thirty.” I handed her back the meter and tucked myself back into the covers. I watched through one eye as she tried to find the door to the hallway in the darkness. When she was close, she kicked my discarded shoe and I saw it fly a bit and then land with the sole up on the empty plastic wrap from the large case of toilet paper. Staring right at me was a square of dewy wet toilet paper. My mom glanced down to investigate, picking it up and looking at it closely. She turned back to me but I shut my eyes and pretended to be sleeping.

  I woke up a couple of hours later, and rushed to get dressed before Nisha, Regan, Nolan, and Declan came over for lunch. My parents were out buying my dad a new suit for work so we decided to order a pizza and eat it in the living room while watching TV. I was settling onto the couch with a slice when my phone chimed.

  JUDE: Are you free later? Maybe we could grab a burger.

  I smiled when I saw it was Jude. I snuck a look at Nolan, my feelings warring inside my heart. I didn’t think it would ever be possible to be interested in anyone else, but Jude showed me I could be. Maybe it wouldn’t be as powerful, but could I really expect that with all the history I had with Nolan?

  ME: A burger sounds good. I’m going to Nolan’s game. You could come with me.

  JUDE: Sounds good. I’ll meet you there. What time?

  ME: 5pm.

  JUDE: See you soon.

  When I looked up from my phone, everyone was watching me. Declan smiled sweetly. “Are you talking to Jude?”

  “Yes. How did you know?” I asked.

  “Because I’ve never seen you smile like that when you’re talking to anyone else.” He tossed a napkin at me and I knew my cheeks were red.

  “He wanted to grab a burger tonight so I invited him to come watch Nolan’s game before and then go out to eat after.” I felt nervous suddenly. Not really about the date, but about talking to everyone about it.

  “Cool. It seems like he’s into you,” Declan said, stretching his arm behind Nisha’s back as they lounged on the couch.

  “We’ll see. Tonight will only be our second date,” I told him.

  “True, but you invited him to a school event where everyone could see you together. That’s a big deal.”

  I hadn’t really thought about that and I felt the blood drain from my face. Nolan chuckled. “Stop. Don’t freak out. Declan was just pointing out that people might see you guys together and he said yes. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t really into you.”

  I blew out a breath. “Okay. Right. I won’t freak out.” I giggled nervously. “I just really like him.”

  “I’m happy for you, Sugar.” Nolan smiled at me, but there was something that didn’t quite feel right about it.

  “What’s going on with you?” I asked. I nudged his thigh with my foot. “You seem a little off your game. Are you worried about your shoulder?”

  “Yes and no.” He set his plate down on the coffee table and leaned back against the couch, stretching his strong arm along the back. “I’m worried about my shoulder, but that’s not all.”

  “Erin?”

  He nodded. “She’s coming to the game tonight. I’m hoping she’ll sit by you. I know I can’t force a friendship between you guys just to make my life easier”—he smiled—“but you’re both really cool girls, and I think if you got to know each other more, there’d be potential for a real friendship.”

  “If she is what makes you happy, then I’ll do whatever you ask.” I patted his arm with my hand.

  “I think she is.”

  Erin came to the game a little late. I waved her over to our section. “Hey, Erin. Nice to see you.”

  “Hey. Good to see you too.” She brushed off the bench next to me and sat down. “I read your article about teen refs in Little League,” she told me.

  My article had come out last week and the student body seemed to be enjoying reading about the crazy experiences their peers had while doing their jobs. “Thank you. What did you think?” I put my feet up on the bench in front of me and leaned forward so I could watch Nolan in the outfield.

  “I think you did a great job. We don’t ever have teen refs for volleyball, but I’ve seen parents yell at the adult coaches so terribly that they’ve been told they had to leave the gym and not come back. I can’t imagine ever being that mad.” She pulled a water bottle out of her purse and twisted off the cap. After taking a sip, she spun around and said hi to our parents. They said hi back and gave her a few small waves.

  “Me either,” I agreed.

  The batter hit a high one out to right field and Nolan caught it. He threw it to second, making a double play. The crowd cheered, of course, happy he’d tied up the inning without letting anyone score. As he ran back to the dugout, his eyes met mine. He smiled at me and then looked at Erin. She waved to him and he lifted his chin in that way the players did to say hello to people in the stands.

  “Have you noticed Nolan acting different lately?” Erin asked, her eyes still trained on where he’d disappeared into the dugout.

  “Pain medication makes him act weird,” I told her.

  “I don’t know,” she said, “I think it might be something else.”

  I thought about the last few days. Nolan had been different, but I would describe it as being more vulnerable, and I wasn’t sure that’s what Erin was getting at. “What do you mean?” I asked.

  She sat back, lifting her feet up onto the seat below us. “He seems preoccupied with something.”

  For a second I’d let myself imagine it was our kiss. Nolan’s easy dismissal of something so special to me had left a wound I’d been pretending I didn’t have. I had no one to share it with, no one I could talk to about it, and the person I would normally have gone to first was the one who had inflicted it. I wanted him to be drowning in the water from the dam we had broken that night just like me, but every minute I was with him, all I could see was how easy it was for him to have forgotten all about it.

  Erin’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. “I think he’s really stressing about his scholarship.”

  It made much more sense, and I nodded when she turned to look at me because I worried my voice might not have been strong enough to answer her out loud. It was so interesting to think that I had worried Nolan might regret the kiss when in the end it was me who was grappling with my own
regret for crossing the line that night.

  Nolan came up to bat three batters later and hit a double. I saw Jude far out in the field, making his way toward me. He had his hands in his pockets as he walked along the back of the dugout and around to where Erin and I were sitting behind home plate. He waved to my parents and then took the seat right next to me.

  “Hey, Jude.” I greeted him with a hug. It was different from the ones Nolan gave me, but I liked it. It was not complicated, and in that moment especially, I could appreciate that.

  “Hi, Erin,” he said over my shoulder when he saw her sitting beside me.

  “Hi.” She smiled and looked relieved. I don’t think she was even aware of it, but I’m sure the more she saw me with another guy, the easier it was for her to trust that I was not romantically interested in Nolan.

  I loved watching Nolan play, but I had to admit that watching the game with Erin and Jude made the whole thing even better. It took a few innings to get comfortable, but by the time the game was over, we were all talking and joking like we’d been friends all year.

  After the game, I walked Erin down to the place where I knew she could find Nolan. It was usually where I stood after the games, but today I had other plans. I invited her and Nolan to meet up with Jude and me for dinner after he’d changed out of his uniform. She gave me a hug and thanked me for keeping her company during the game. We left her there, smiling while she waited for him to come out.

  Jude and I walked side by side until we reached the far gate of the school and the parking lot. As we stepped off the curb to cross the street, he reached down and put his hand in mine. Each finger was resting in between just like they should. I knew I was smiling when we reached his car, but he was too, so it wasn’t that embarrassing. We climbed into his older Mustang and pulled out of the parking lot. I texted my parents that I was getting a bite to eat with Jude as we waited for the light.

  The traffic on the street was backed up as the guests, parents, and players of both teams spilled off the fields and into the street. I looked up when I heard the rumble of Nolan’s truck. The world seemed to slow down for just a moment as we passed him while he waited to turn off one of the small residential streets. Our eyes met and immediately he gave me a small nod, as if to say he was happy I was leaving with Jude. I waved, but it was a very delayed response, and I wasn’t even sure if he’d seen it. When my hand landed back on my lap, Jude reached for it.

  Steve’s was a family-owned burger place close to campus, so it was pretty crowded with the families from the game by the time we stepped through the doors. We waited in line and I couldn’t help but notice the way kids from school seemed to do a double take when they walked past or saw us from their booths. I didn’t know if they were surprised I wasn’t with Nolan, or if it was because I was with Jude. I felt a little shaky, probably because of my nerves and the excitement of spending more time with Jude. The line had stretched outside the doors, and by the time we reached the counter I was having trouble reading the menu. I tried squinting my eyes but it didn’t help so I just ordered a burger, fries with ranch dressing, and a diet soda. I knew my blood sugar had to be low, but since we were going to be at our table soon, I decided to wait until then to get my kit out. Jude paid for our order and I thanked him as we made our way to the last empty table. Before we reached our destination, a guy that I recognized from math class stopped us to chat about the game. I started to feel like my legs were getting a bit wobbly. I wanted to check myself, but it just seemed odd to pull out my kit in the middle of a conversation. I checked my purse quickly for a snack that could bring my blood sugar up, but I had forgotten to refill it after the last time I’d used it. I waited, hoping to catch Jude’s eye and signal that I needed to move a little quicker to the table.

  Everything happened so fast. I took a step toward the table, but stumbled like I was drunk and grabbed on to a different table instead. I felt my eyes starting to shut as I tried hard to hold myself up on my own feet. I wanted to move my arm to get a better grip, but when I tried it felt like it had been asleep for hours. I could see it moving, knocking ketchup and napkins off the table. I was no longer in control of my limbs. As I slipped down to the floor, unable to stand any longer, I saw the horrified and helpless look on Jude’s face.

  “Zie!” I heard Nolan’s voice as if it were at the bottom of an echo chamber. I closed my eyes, too tired to keep them open any longer. His voice was so far away. I felt something clamp around my mouth, prying open my lips. “Chew,” he instructed, and I tried, but my tongue just felt so big in my small mouth. He moved my jaw for me and I had to swallow or I was going to choke. I felt the tiny crystals of sugar on my tongue as he emptied tiny envelope after tiny envelope into my clumsy mouth.

  He sat on the floor next to me, my head propped up in his lap and his hand stroking my hair as I regained my abilities. There was a big circle of people around us and I knew I was deeply embarrassed, but I just couldn’t feel it through the gratefulness that filled my heart when his eyes looked down into mine. I moved my heavy arms and reached for his hand, which he willingly gave to me. “It happened so fast,” I told him as the crowd began to thin.

  “I know,” he said softly, and I could hear the relief that I was all right in his voice. We both knew how quickly that situation could have gotten dire. By the time I hit the floor, I was too low to feed myself anything, and no one else there knew what to do to help me. I looked to Jude, who stared back at me, completely pale and with a look of twisted panic and relief on his face.

  I’d made a terrible mistake. I let my pride come before my health and it could have cost me my life. I should never had cared what people would have thought if I brought out my kit in the middle of a conversation or if I needed to ask for some food, and I knew better than to put off testing myself because it was an inconvenience. It had been a very long time since I’d experienced anything like that, and I knew the consequence was painful enough that it wasn’t going to happen again.

  “I want to go home,” I said as I moved to get back on my feet. My hands were still shaking and I felt totally impaired. Nolan wrapped his arm around my waist to support me. I knew the next few hours would be an adventure, trying to regulate the highs and lows. Jude nodded to me and stepped out of our way.

  “It’s probably better you take her, Nolan. I don’t know what to do if it happens again.” Jude took another step away and grabbed my purse off the ground. He wasn’t being a jerk; he was just scared, and I could understand that. I was scared too, and I would be safer with Nolan.

  Jude handed me my purse and helped to brush some of the sugar off my face. “I’m sorry,” he said. There was no doubt that he felt responsible for what had happened. I could see it on his face as he reached for my hand and held it for a second. “I’ll call you tonight and see if you need anything.”

  “Thank you,” I said, my voice shaky. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  “Give her a call later,” Nolan said empathetically.

  Erin, who had been standing with us, a look of bewilderment on her face, reached up and adjusted the collar on my shirt so that my bra wasn’t showing. She offered a sympathetic smile. “Jude, can I get a ride home with you so Nolan can take her straight to her house?” she asked.

  “Of course,” he answered.

  Nolan and I walked slowly down the aisle of the crowded dining room. People would try not to look as we walked by, but it was hard given that a few minutes ago I went down for the count in the middle of the packed room. I watched as parents tried to communicate to their kids not to stare and I wished they wouldn’t make it such a big deal. Diabetes could be scary, but it wasn’t something to make your children fearful of. “Almost out,” he whispered next to me, and I knew he was seeing their eyes on us too.

  He tucked me into his truck and buckled my seat belt. When we finally pulled out of the parking lot, every emotion that had been floating around my dizzy mind began to get clear and take root. I noticed my mouth was caked with
sugar and spit. My lip was split and my head had a lump where I hit the floor when I couldn’t stop myself. I was horrified and so deeply sad. Unable to hold back the tears any longer, I let them all go and sobbed the entire ride home. Nolan reached for my hand and held it tight as I rocked and shook with the force of my cries.

  I was embarrassed that my classmates had seen me lose control of my body. I was disappointed that I ruined a date with Jude because I hadn’t taken care of myself like I should’ve. I was scared that he wouldn’t want to try again after what he’d seen tonight or maybe that he was such a nice guy I’d never know if he asked me out again because he felt like he had to out of pity for the way tonight had gone.

  Nolan pulled into his driveway and parked the truck. He came around to my side and held his arms open to me, a look of empathetic heartbreak all over his face. He was hurting for me too. That had scared us both. I hesitated, worried I’d get him all messy with my current state, but he shook his head as if reading my thoughts and waved his hands toward himself, insisting I slide down and into his arms.

  We stood in the driveway with him rocking me as he held me tight. I wanted the whole day to go away. I cried until there was nothing left. I cried until his entire shirt was wet with my tears and his lips had been pressed to my cheek a million times.

  Twenty-Four

  THE NEXT MORNING was rough. I opened my eyes and prayed I had dreamed the whole thing. Of course, I hadn’t.