Let Me List the Ways Read online

  “I just wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me if I ate healthier or exercised more it would cure me. They think I caused this disease. And only half of them listen to me when I point out that there is a difference between type 1 and type 2. I can imagine how frustrating Charli finds it, trying to explain her allergies to other people,” I said.

  Regan gave me a sympathetic look. “I told her I wanted to spend time with her. It doesn’t matter what we do. She has to eat and I’m happy to be a part of that no matter what it looks like. I don’t want her to be ashamed or embarrassed.”

  “She’s lucky,” I told Regan. “I’d like to say I’d never think twice about checking my blood sugar in front of a date, but it would be a lie.”

  Nisha dropped her spoon back into her shake. “I don’t know why you do that to yourself,” she said lovingly. “If we don’t care when you check yourself in front of us, you must realize that plenty of other people won’t care either.”

  “I know,” I answered. “It’s just getting over that first step with new people. I also wonder if they’ll notice the way it’s changed my body.” I held out my hand; my cold fingers were wet from holding my frosty glass. The calluses on my fingers were easy to see.

  Nisha leaned forward in her seat and made a big show over squinting her eyes like she couldn’t see anything until Regan and I were laughing. “But seriously,” Nisha said, taking my fingers between hers, “we all have scars. No one makes it through this life without them. You just wear more of yours on the outside.”

  “True story,” Regan said, nodding in solidarity. We were quiet for a minute and I thought about Charli and how brave she was to share everything with Regan.

  “Maybe you could take her to that coffee shop that has the old books and overstuffed couches,” I offered. “I saw on their sign once that you are allowed to bring in your own drink as long as someone in your party is a paying customer.”

  “Great idea!” Regan practically squealed.

  “No problem,” I told her. “Looks like it’s just you and me going to the bonfire,” I told Nisha.

  “Girls’ night out,” Nisha sang as she shimmied in her seat.

  It could get chilly on the beach at night, so I opted for my dark skinny jeans and a white tank top. I opened the small jewelry box on my dresser to find a necklace, settling on the new necklace my mom had bought me for Christmas. It was a thin silver chain with an antique-looking key hanging from it. I put it over my head and watched as the beautifully intricate key hung over my shirt.

  I heard Nisha pull up outside and quickly grabbed my kit from my desk and shoved it into a small purse that matched my outfit. I took off down the stairs, excited to be going out.

  “Bye, Mom!”

  “Bye. Have fun and be home by midnight!”

  “You look so good,” I said as I slid into Nisha’s small Honda, reaching across the center of her car and wrapping my arms around her neck as she struggled against her seat belt to return the hug.

  “You too. I called Kara and she said everyone is already down there.” She looked behind us and pulled the car out onto the road. We blared the music and left the windows down as we sang our hearts out. It felt good to be with her. I was happy and the night was young.

  The parking lot near the beach and the row of beachfront homes was packed with cars when we finally arrived. We got out of the car and began to make our way down to the fire, which we could see burning in the distance. Loud music was booming across the dark beach, and in addition to the large group of kids we could see around the fire, small groups had broken off and were scattered all along the shore. Nisha had made the poor choice of wearing wedge sandals, and even though she was having trouble walking across the beach, she refused to admit defeat and take them off. She gripped tightly to my arm and I tried to support her as she wobbled along the loose sand.

  Nisha pointed to a group of people to the left of the fire and was about to say something when her foot slid to the edge of her wedge and her ankle buckled, causing her to tumble and to take me with her. One second we were on our feet, the next we were sprawled out on the sand, my purse thrown somewhere when I flailed to try to save us.

  “Oh my God!” Nisha spat some sand from her mouth and tried hard to find my hand. “I’m so sorry!” We both started laughing. I tried hard to contain my giggles, but the two of us together seemed to feed off each other’s energy and we couldn’t stop.

  I felt a hand wrap around my bicep and pull up, trying to steady me and get me back on my feet. My first instinct was to pull away, the euphoric high of our giggle party dissipating quickly when I couldn’t make out who had their hand on me. “Mackenzie, Nisha. Are you guys okay?” Declan’s voice sounded worried and I let my arm relax, feeling the easy smile return to my face. I brushed the sand from my arms and legs as quickly as possible, starting to giggle again slightly as Nisha attempted to regain her composure and get to her feet.

  “I’m fine.” I almost forgot for that moment that we were in public and tons of our peers were just beyond the darkness. I looked up to where the music was playing and saw the figures moving in the glow of the fire on the beach in front of us, and I remembered exactly what was happening. “Go on, we’ll be okay.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” Nisha joked as she wobbled a little more before reaching down and pulling off the stupid wedges.

  “You girls are trouble together,” Declan teased as he motioned for Nisha to hand him her wedges. She complied immediately, and then he bent down and she climbed onto his back. I loved seeing the two of them together. He used the flashlight on his cell phone to help me find my purse.

  “Is this where the party’s at?” a voice asked from behind us. Declan turned the beam of light in his direction. Bennet, a boy from my math class, tugged his girlfriend over to where we were standing.

  “It’s always a party where these two are at.” Declan grunted as he bounced Nisha up higher on his back. We headed over to where the fire was burning and I quickly greeted my friends with hugs. I wouldn’t say that I was one of the most popular kids at school, but I was one of the most liked. I made it a point to be friendly to everyone.

  “Mackenzie, come sit by us.” Maria called me over to where she and a few of my other friends were sitting. We had been in the same friend group for a while, but Maria and I really bonded over the last couple of years by working the snack bar down at the Little League field together, on those days when parents would pay someone to work their shift so they could watch the game instead. It was a win-win situation since we were always around anyway, me because of Nolan and she because of her older brothers.

  “What’s up?” I asked as I sat down beside her.

  “We heard that Nolan and Erin are going out. Is it true?” she whispered loudly so I could hear her over the music.

  “They’re spending time together and talking a lot.” I shrugged. I wasn’t really sure if they had a title yet. I hated when people asked me things about him. It always felt like I was violating his trust to talk about him, but at the same time I didn’t think he’d mind since he wasn’t really hiding the fact that he was into Erin. As if just thinking about him could make him appear, I saw the two of them emerge from the darkness and step into the light of the glowing fire.

  Nolan waved and Erin gave me a friendly smile. They were soon swallowed up by a group of friends and I went back to chatting with Maria. Every once in a while I’d find myself looking for him. Old habit, I guess.

  Nine

  THE FIRE WAS warm and the sound of people talking and laughing filled in all the space around me as I sat on a log at the edge of the flames. Alcohol had made an appearance about an hour ago, and it was clear some people were partaking a bit more than others.

  “Right, Mackenzie?” asked Jude. He was in dark jeans and a zipped-up sweatshirt, not the black-and-gray gear I’d seen him in during our interview last weekend. I suddenly became aware of the fact that I had been so busy watching one guy by
the cooler of beers belt out an eighties power ballad that I had no idea what they were talking about.

  “Sorry, it’s hard to hear over the music.” It was a lame excuse considering they didn’t really even have to raise their voices to talk to each other, but he let it slide and started over.

  “I was telling them we had third-period science together last year and the teacher was so boring half the class would fall asleep.” He smiled at me.

  “Right. It was awful.” I turned my body into the conversation and tried to pay better attention. Jude and I hadn’t talked a lot in that class either but when we did he was nice, always joking around and getting into trouble.

  “This kid in the class, I think his name was Ronny or something, had this calculator watch and he could control the DVD player with it. He used to rewind or fast-forward any movie we watched in class.”

  I laughed and added, “Our teacher never figured it out. Ronny did that all year, and each time Mr. Miller would try to send out for help making it work right. When the maintenance guy would come, Ronny wouldn’t mess with it, so they must have thought Mr. Miller was crazy.” Jude was nodding at my words, and we all laughed when he made this overdramatic flustered face that very strongly resembled the poor teacher’s.

  Everyone else had their own horror stories of terrible teachers too, and soon we were in a heated debate over whether it was worse to have a class with Ms. Baker, who thought it would be a good idea to only speak in Spanish every Friday even though she taught math, or Mr. Simon, who would make everyone read the textbook while he napped in the corner. It was one of those perfect nights where everyone was relaxed and having fun. When the other people who were sitting on the log with Jude and me left to go dance or refill their drinks, leaving just us to sit together, Jude turned to me and said, “So, I think this is only the second time I’ve seen you without Nolan.”

  “I mean, we’re good friends. But we don’t do everything attached at the hip,” I said, smiling. I began to feel a small chill and ran my hands up and down my arms to warm up.

  “That’s cool.” His smile widened slightly. “Nisha is in my history class. She was telling me about your love for The Bachelor.”

  “Guilty pleasure.”

  “My sister watches it every season. I might have caught an episode or two.” He chuckled, and I knew immediately he was confessing to watching far more than just a few. “I balance it all out by watching The Walking Dead.”

  “Sometimes I secretly wish I could combine the two,” I confessed.

  “That’s brilliant.”

  “When the girls start whining, I’m on my couch wishing that somewhere in the background you’d see the outline of a corpse slowly approaching. I think some of the women are so busy worrying about themselves they wouldn’t even hear the groans.”

  Jude laughed and nodded. “It would be amazing. She’d just be sitting there complaining about how some other girl had a better date than she did and then this rotting corpse would be coming up behind her.” He tipped his head to the side like the undead and mimicked a low groan.

  I laughed. “Right. We wouldn’t have to wait for the bachelor to vote the women off. Just let them get eliminated by the horde of zombies. I swear sometimes these men pick the most annoying women just to drive us viewers crazy.”

  “I agree. Zombies attacking would definitely make the show something the whole family could enjoy.”

  “Would you ever go on the show?” I asked him.

  “As the bachelor?” He chuckled, his hand on his chest and his head already shaking. “No. It’s not my thing. Way too much drama. I like to keep things simple. I don’t think I could juggle all those dates and I wouldn’t want to have to send people home.”

  “I think that would be hard too,” I agreed.

  “And . . . ,” he said, his face pinching slightly as if he was trying to decide if he should share the next thought, “I know this sounds terrible, but I’d have to be attracted to the girls. I’m not saying it’s all about looks, but I’d want to be into her. What if I wasn’t really into any of the girls they picked for me?”

  “I wonder about that too. Maybe the girls grow on the guy.” I shrugged.

  “Yeah, that’s the exact story I’d want to tell my grandkids. ‘I wasn’t really into your grandma, but she grew on me.’”

  His words caused a burst of laughter to explode from my chest. “Good point. Better that the spark is there immediately,” I agreed.

  “I think it’s better to just meet someone the old-fashioned way.” He smiled at me and my stomach flipped. He was really sweet, and now I knew he was funny and just as silly as I was at times.

  “Ah,” I said with an exaggerated nod. “Online.”

  “Or maybe in an ad,” he said, playing along. “Single male looking for female who enjoys zombie shows . . .”

  “Hates whining,” I added.

  “Doesn’t judge men who watch TV shows geared for the female demographic and”—he glanced around before swinging his arms wide—“enjoys sitting on the beach at night with friends.”

  “She sounds amazing,” I said with confidence.

  “I think so too.” His answer made my heart race in my chest. “So do you think she’d give me her phone number?”

  Twenty minutes later, Jude’s ride came over to let him know he needed to leave. Jude waved good-bye, having not only gotten my number but also my promise that we would get together soon. I couldn’t stop smiling as I made my way back to the bigger circle to find Nisha. Nolan found me first. “Zie, can we talk for a minute?”

  “Sure. What is it?”

  His mouth opened to say something, but then my necklace must have caught his eye. His hand reached out and took my necklace in his fingers. He gave it a little tug, bringing me closer to his face. “This is new,” he said in a low voice, mostly to himself. He wasn’t acting right. Something seemed off about his behavior.

  “Nolan, what’s going . . .”

  “You look really pretty, Zie.” His hand released my necklace and reached for a thick curl of hair that was resting against my shoulder. He gave it a small tug and took another step closer. I could smell the faint hint of alcohol on his breath.

  “Nolan, are you drunk?”

  “Probably.” He laughed softly. He let go of my hair and wiped his hand down over his face. “Do you like him?” he asked. My eyebrows drew together. Liked who? He rolled his eyes. “Jude. Do you like Jude?”

  “He’s nice.” I couldn’t help the smile that tipped my lips up. My cheeks flushed and then my skin chilled as the cold night air hit it. He handed me his beer and I thought he wanted me to take a sip so I brought it to my lips, but he quickly pulled my hand away from my mouth.

  “No, don’t drink. I’m just taking off my hoodie.” He fumbled with the bottom of it, and now I was beginning to really see the signs of his inebriation. His shirt moved up with his sweatshirt as he lifted it over his head. I laughed again, watching him struggle a little to get himself untangled.

  “Nolan.” I barely said his name when his finger came up to my lips and silenced them. When he was sure I wasn’t going to protest, he pulled the sweatshirt over my head and I helped put my arms through the sleeves. His hands reached behind my neck and gathered my hair, pulling it loose from the fabric and twisting it over my shoulder.

  “Jude’s a nice guy,” he said, finally releasing my hair when he got to the ends. “He’d be a good one to pick.” He reached down and grabbed his beer. “The Kisses are in the front pocket, Sugar.” He tapped me on my nose and then rested his arm across my shoulders, pulling me into his side. I dug my hands into the pocket and unwrapped the first chocolate. I’d check my sugar when I got closer to the fire. “Come sit by me and Erin for a while.”

  I looked up just in time to see the look on Erin’s face. She was hurt to see Nolan’s arm around me, and that made me feel guilty. I pulled away from him, and when his gaze met mine, I looked over at her so he’d know why I’d done it. He reco
vered quickly, moving over to her and taking a seat right beside her. I sat across from them; the fire was small by that point and I could easily participate in the conversation all around me.

  I tried not to look at their hands clasped together and the way he kept leaning in to whisper something in her ear. I wasn’t sure if the feeling in my chest was jealousy or disappointment. Maybe the word for it would be longing.

  Ten

  NISHA DROPPED ME off just before midnight. I made my way up to my porch and let myself into the house. It was quiet inside; my parents were already asleep upstairs. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I was expecting a text from Nisha wanting to make sure I had made it inside okay, but it was from Jude.

  JUDE: I had fun talking to you tonight.

  ME: I had fun talking to you too.

  JUDE: Are you doing anything next Friday? I’d like to take you out somewhere.

  I slowly sat down on the couch in my dark living room and reread his text. Jude was a really nice guy, and I had had fun with him. I leaned back and let out a big breath. It made me anxious to think about going out with someone, but I knew that it was time I took that step. If Nolan thought Jude was a good guy and I’d had a great time talking to him, then what more did I need to know before accepting his offer? Maybe he was the answer to finally getting past this silly crush I had on my best friend.

  ME: I’d like that.

  JUDE: Awesome! I’ll see you at school and we can hammer out the details.

  ME: Ok. Good night.

  JUDE: Good night.

  My thumbs hovered over the dark keyboard of my phone, itching to cancel and just forget about the whole thing. I was eighteen and had never even kissed a boy. The more I thought about Friday, the more it felt like going out with Jude was like jumping into the deep end of the pool without ever having swum at all. I forced myself to put my phone down, though, and tried to distract my attention by pulling out my kit and checking my sugar. It was almost perfect, which would be wonderful if I wasn’t about to go to bed for the night. I wandered into the kitchen to find a snack.