Finding Cait Page 6

  When I round the corner into the kitchen I see him standing there, leaning over on the counter. His sweat pants hang from his hips and he is not wearing a shirt. The sight of him standing there, sweaty from a morning run stops me dead in my tracks. He is listening to his iPod as he fiddles with the coffeemaker.

  I pull myself together and make my way to the fridge praying that Court has remembered my morning need for caffeine. I open the door and bend down to look a little further back when I feel his eyes on me. I glance his way and make eye contact and he laughs at my disappointment when I do not see my morning staple in the fridge. Making an exaggerated angry face I shut the door. When I look his way again he is messing with the coffee maker only his left arm is stretched out beside him sliding something across the counter.

  “Thank heavens,” I sigh as he slides a cold six-pack of Coke to the edge of the counter where I am standing.

  “Some things never change Cait. I remember Court always insisting we had Coke in the fridge for when you might need it. Are you ever going to cross over into the adult world and drink coffee like the rest of us?” He smiles as he finds the button that starts the coffee brewing.

  “Never,” I say leaning back on the counter. I put the six-pack into the fridge and pull one out of the rings for myself. “I am surprised she remembered.”

  “Don’t give her too much credit, I stopped and picked them up on the way back from my run.” As he says this I crack open the Coke and it explodes all over me and all over the floor. He is laughing as he says, “You really should consider coffee.”

  Rolling my eyes at him I put the Coke back on the counter and try to clean up what I can of the explosion. When I am finished, I turn and head back into the hallway towards the bathroom so I can wash the sticky soda off and take a shower. “Thanks for the delightful experience, “ I say sarcastically over my shoulder and Matt nods and stifles a laugh.

  I feel like a teenager again as I walk towards the bathroom. Somehow the weight of the situation feels lighter and a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. I stop at Court’s room and peek in. She is still sleeping so I pull her door closed and then make my way to the shower. It feels amazing to rinse my hair and I stand in the shower once again letting the water run over my head and down my face.

  Wrapped in my towel, I leave the bathroom and make my way back into the kitchen to get my unfinished Coke. Matt and Court are both sitting at the table talking when I reach the counter. I can feel Matt watching me as I retrieve my Coke and sit down at the table with them. Logically I know that his attention does not equal love and will do very little to fill the space that Court’s death is creating. I can’t help but to let myself fall back into the playful banter of our childhood as we sit around the table catching up.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” I ask Court when there is a lull in the conversation.

  “Great, it was so nice to get out last night and be normal for a little while. I probably can’t do it again but it was a great night and I am glad you were both there for the last time. So Matt, find your way into some lady’s bed last night? I heard the door early this morning and figured you were on your way in.”

  Matt quickly makes eye contact with me and then looks to his sister, “I did actually. She was a little feisty but her hair smelt like flowers so I overlooked it.” I can’t help but to smile at his compliment. I look at him with an overly interested look and nod. I know Court won’t notice because she is staring at him with a curious look.

  “That’s it? That is all the juice Cait and I are going to get?” she asks sounding like a teenager after prom.

  “What else do you want to know? She was beautiful, funny and incredibly sexy. I hope I get the pleasure of going home with her again,” he says as he glances back in my direction.

  “I’m sure you charmed her just like all the others,” Court says dryly and returns to her coffee. “I am taking my shower can you two please play nice and let Candy in when she gets here.”

  Chapter 16

  *Court

  This is it, the last chance. I am not sure what happened between the two of them when we were younger, both denying anything had ever taken place. Some things just can’t be undone and since the night they rode down to the beach together they had never acted the same. My suspicion was confirmed a few months later when Cait told me about her first kiss with Elliot. It should have been exciting and I had waited up late to hear all about it.

  When Cait told me the details her voice was flat and distant. I couldn’t understand why she had not been excited and when I asked how it was she had answered me, “Different.” I knew right away whose kiss she was comparing it to. All of the pieces fell into place, the sudden tensions between them, the lingering stares and the way they orchestrated everything so that they were never alone together again. I could have just killed both of them for not telling me about it, but I let her finish the story and keep up the rouse that nothing had happened between her and Matt.

  My heart was being selfish. Convincing myself that if there was anything between them, Matt would mess it up and I would lose Cait. Letting it go and not addressing it seemed like the best approach. If they couldn’t tell me about it maybe they had figured out themselves that they couldn’t work out, but deep in my heart I knew it wasn’t true. Some love is quick and extinguishes fast while their love will forever keep burning. It didn’t take long to realize what a mistake we all had made.

  Matt had acted at first like he didn’t care what she had been up to, but I know that he needs to hear about her each time he calls. I no longer try to work it in to the conversation, instead I have just learned to come right out and say her name giving him as many details as I can about where her life is taking her. Shortly after Elliot had the affair Matt had called me and I told him the news. He acted indifferent about it but I knew it was his chance to rekindle what was started so long ago. I finally came right out and told him that he had waited long enough and he needed to make things right between the two of them. When he didn’t deny it I knew I was right and begged him to please tell her how he felt. He ended the call to with me by saying that something are better left they way they are and that he had no life at home to offer her.

  Cait was much better at pretending to not still care about him. We would talk for hours on the phone not once mentioning him and she would never ask how he was doing or where he was at. The only time she brought him up was on the night when the news had covered the story that a large group of Marines had been killed just outside of the war zone as they slept in their barracks. The first phone call that night had been from Matt, letting me know he was ok but he had to hurry off the phone so other Marines could call home. The next call was Cait. When I heard her voice I knew what she needed to know so I told her he was fine and she whispered thank you and hung up quickly as I heard Elliot enter the room on her end.

  My death is going to be hard on them both and I need to stop covering for them while I watch their lives spiral downward. When I die they will no longer be connected, I won’t be there to keep them updated on what they have been doing. This is the last chance I have at forcing them to acknowledge what has been there since that night on the beach and I pray that this time they don’t fuck it up on my behalf.

  Chapter 17

  Cait

  When I am sure Court is far enough down the hall to not hear I whisper to Matt, “Flowers, huh?”

  “Of all the things I said about you that is what you want to ask me about?” he asks tilting his head playfully to the side as he leans in closer. My heart is pounding so fast I am sure he can see it as my face flushes. We sit in the silence with his question hanging in the air between is.

  Cat and Mouse is what he is offering but I won’t take the bait. Before last night there was a clear line drawn in the sand, him on one side and me on the other. We kept our distance and never complimented each other on anything. For years we have kept the conversation on the level of friendship and now I sit speechless, f
inding myself in the place I wanted to be all of those years ago. Now it is too late, the feeling of doom and loss well up in my chest as I look into his eyes and know that he will leave me too so I need to keep my resolve to leave here first. I push away from the table and make my way down the hall without a backwards glance.

  When I finish getting dressed I walk out to the living room and take a seat on the couch. Matt is in the shower and Court is in her room. Candy knocks on the door and I let her in. She smiles at me kindly and we exchange pained looks as we introduce ourselves and she asks me how Court is doing.

  “She is tired I think, but seems to be in good spirits given the circumstances.” I say to her.

  “She will get more tired so if there are things that need to be settled you guys should start working on them. I will only be a few minutes with her and then I will see you again tomorrow. I am going to leave my number on the fridge for you and her brother incase you have an emergency or any questions. I want to let you know that she has signed a DNR order.”

  Sharp pain makes its way into my chest as reality begins to set in again. Of course Court did not want to be resuscitated, but to think that she had to discuss that with Candy alone broke my heart. What else had she signed I wonder. I nod to Candy to let her know I have heard and then motion towards the bedroom so she can find Court. Heading straight for the couch I pray that my weak logs will carry me and breathe hard against the tightening of my chest.

  I am sitting at the edge of the couch trying to keep the lump in my throat from leaping out when Matt walks into the room. Immediately reading the body language I am failing to hide he stops dead in his tracks. “What’s the matter?” he asks with clear panic in his voice. I tilt my head back and rest it on the couch behind me.

  “She signed a DNR,” I say closing my eyes so the tears cannot escape. I can’t do this, I cant keep being hit over the head with the news that she is really going to die. It is all too real and too painful. I want…no I need out. The day that I leave this grief behind cannot come soon enough.

  “Of course. We need to talk to her about her wishes Cait but I am going to need to be drunk to do it.” How had we come back to this? One minute we are catching up in the kitchen like friends who have been away from each other too long, and now we sit here trying to wrap our minds around the fact that Court will one day stop breathing and does not want anyone to help her start again.

  Matt sits down in the chair next to the couch and rubs his hand down my arm then quickly pulls away as footsteps come down the hall. I sit up to see who it is as Court walks into the room with a new beautiful scarf on her head. Wishing I had half her grace, I smile up at her knowing she needs me to do so. Nothing feels real anymore and I grab onto the couch cushions to ground myself in this reality, the one where Court stands before me losing her grip on life as each minute ticks by.

  “Candy is leaving her number for you both on the fridge. She offered to answer questions you might have if I can’t...well if it gets to where I can’t answer them myself.”

  Right on cue Candy walks into the living room and Court introduces her to Matt. It is amazing that even with all the sadness I can see in his face he still is breath taking and Candy flushes when he shakes her hand. She excuses herself for the day and leaves the three of us sitting in the living room waiting for someone to break the silence.

  “I know she told you about the DNR and I think we should talk about a few other things also,” Court says looking down at her hands that are folded on her lap. I notice her nails are painted a light pink and I wonder what it must have been like to make the choice to paint your nails sometime in the same week you have made your choice to suffocate rather than be resuscitated.

  “I think we should do it over drinks,” Matt answers. I can see that his eyes are teary and he is pleading for us to agree.

  “I am okay with that if you are,” Court says quickly looking in my direction and I nod my head in agreement. “Then there is somewhere I need to show you, Matt can you drive?”

  “Sure,” he replies and I can see the relief on his face as he grabs his wallet and keys. I run to the room and grab my purse. I can see that I have a missed call from Elliot but I don’t care. I imagine it has something to do with the divorce papers he was served with and I am not up for the questions. I did not ask for anything, not the house, not the furniture, nothing. I will have no use for any of them and the idea of being free from the possessions we had together is liberating.

  Court takes shotgun as we jump into Matt’s truck. I scoot into the middle of the back seat so that I can hear the conversation. It smells like him in here and I close my eyes and take in a breath as we drive through the town. The sticker on his windshield reminds me that he has a place to go when this is over, a place where he is expected and accounted for. Peace washes over me when I think of the ties that I have cut to the possessions I hold here on Earth.

  “Where are we headed?” Matt asks.

  “To the beach, the one we used to spend our summers at.” Court says as she looks out the window. Matt nods and starts down the road to the little beach we used to practically live at when we were younger. We drive in silence for most of the trip but when we near the beach Court turns to me and asks if I will be okay being there. I know why she asks, it was the beach that Elliot and I were married on.

  “I’m fine Court. This trip is not about me it’s about you. If there is something down here I need to see then let’s go see it.”

  “Matt, park in the lot by the lifeguard tower,” Court says as we make our last turn onto the long drive that leads to the lot. Matt is looking out his window and I can tell he is not looking at us on purpose.

  When Matt parks the car we all get out and walk to the edge of the lot where the sand meets the road. It is a far walk through the sand down to the lifeguard tower and I start to worry that Court won’t be able to make it. I look at Matt to see if he is worried too and I can see in his face we are thinking the same thing.

  “Are you well enough to get there?” he asks Court.

  “I want to feel the sand under my feet for a little while but I know I can’t make it all the way,” she replies as she stands with her hands on her hip. Even as sick as she is she looks beautiful. Her scarf is blowing in the small breeze and she closes her eyes as if committing all that there is here to memory.

  We walk a little ways in the sand and reminisce about what it used to be like to sneak down here at night and have bonfires. Her breathing gets heavier and I can tell she is struggling so I take her hand and nod as if quietly asking that she stop. Watching her struggle makes me want to scoop her up and carry her back to the car. What could be so important down here that she is willing to use all her energy to get there I wonder.

  Matt had seen me take her hand so he stopped and offered to carry her. She climbs onto his back and we start making our way down to the water. When we reach the shore he sets her down in the sand and she sits down and motions for us to do the same.

  “This is it guys,” she says as she looks out into the water. Matt and I look out at the waves crashing onto the shore. “This is my happy place.”

  I can see why it makes her happy, it used to make me happy too. We spend an hour watching the surf and the small birds run down to the water and back up again. It is past three when she tells us that she needs to go home again and we stand up and brush the sand off. Just as the sand falls into the small openings our clothes have failed to protect, the grief of losing her grates against my skin and I desperately try to brush it off as well.

  Matt offers her his back again and she climbs on, slower this time. I see her rest her head on his back like a child would do to their father and I choke down the lump that is building in my throat. I don’t know if I can do any more “lasts” without coming completely unraveled.

  Chapter 18

  Matt

  The weight, or lack of weight really, against my back is devastating. I am doing everything I can to not break down in fron
t of Court. Watching her struggle in the sand and then be too weak to make it back to the car is absolutely killing me. We used to run as fast as we could down to the shore and sometimes race back to the bikes, now I am carrying her boney body back to my truck as she rests her head on my back.

  Maybe I should not have come, maybe I should have told her they wouldn’t let me. As I take each step I feel my heart sink lower as the sand gives way under my feet. Mom and Dad would have wanted me here with her, staying by her side until she leaves to meet them. Surely they could understand that watching her die is too much. Losing my fellow Marines was hard, losing my parents was harder, losing Court is going to break me.

  Cait walks along beside me, breathing shallowly even though her feet are sinking heavily also. I can imagine that the pain in her chest is just like mine, grabbing my heart and my lungs and squeezing so that only a small breath can enter and then leave again sharply. The walk to my truck is a short one for me but I saver every moment Court is near me knowing that this may be the last time we are all on this beach together. She is going to die. I can’t fix it. I can’t stop it. I just have to survive it.

  Chapter 19

  Cait

  When we get to the truck Matt helps her up to the back seat so that she can lay down as we drive back home. We stop at a small liquor store at the edge of town to get some beer and then grab some take-out before returning to the house. Once home I help Court into a hot bath. I would never believe how fast someone’s health could deteriorate if I was not watching it with my own eyes.

  “Cait, tonight’s conversation is going to be hard for Matt. I know I am all that he has left. I don’t care how much he needs to drink, or you too for that matter but we need to get some things straight. I don’t think there are going to be many more days where I can tell you what I need to tell you.”