Finding Cait Read online

  I sit back against the wall and rest my head. She is right, I can see it in her face. I fight the urge to call Candy and ask for a new predicted day of death for Court. It is all out of my hands and the anxiety is overwhelming. All I can do is reassure her that I am okay so that she can do what she needs to do. “Court he is going to be fine, and so will I.” She closes her eyes and the tears stream down her face. I hand her the rag and she sobs into it. The bones of her spine are visible and she sits in the fetal position crying silently into the rag as I rub her back and head.

  When there is no energy left to cry, I help her out of the tub and dry her off. We put on her warm pajamas, wrap her head in a scarf and go to her room where all of her medication is laid out on her dresser. She asks me to get her some pain medicine and I begin to look through the bottles to find what she needs. It is a horrible reality to know that none of these pills can save her and even worse to know that in order to get all of these medications she and her doctor had to decide they were done fighting it. Hospice is brought in to make you comfortable, not to prolong your life.

  After finding the correct medication and taking a quick shower myself, I help her to the couch so that we can have our talk. I can hear Matt in the kitchen so I go in to see if he is ready. He is leaning against the counter much like he had been this morning but now he looks so different. He is clearly a few beers ahead of us now and he looks up to me with watery eyes. I can see that he has just gotten out of the shower.

  “She is ready but she just took some medicine that I know will make her sleepy. You can do this, she won’t be able to talk long so let’s just hear her out and then put her to bed.” I grab a pad of paper and a pen from the drawer and then grab his hand and lead him to the doorway. We stand for a second and watch her rock on the couch. She is in pain and it is excruciating to watch knowing there is nothing we can do.

  We make our way to the couch and sit on either side of her. She never looks up but stops rocking to try to hide the pain. Matt wraps his arms around her and leans back so that she is lying on his chest. He rubs her arms to try to warm her and she smiles as she lowers her shoulders and rests.

  “I don’t want a funeral,” she says bluntly and I look to my pad trying to decide if I really need to write that down. “I want to be cremated and my ashes given to you both. I took you to the place I want my ashes scattered today. Please don’t invite anyone when you do it, just walk down at sunset and scatter them where the waves meet the shore.”

  Matt throws his head back and bites his upper lip as the tears start falling down his cheeks. He shakes his head as if to tell us it is too much but then pulls himself together with a big breath. I am not doing much better myself and I am having a hard time taking notes through the tears that are flowing from my eyes. I think that nothing could be worse at this moment but then she continues.

  “I want to die in my room in my bed. There shouldn’t be anyone visiting so unless Candy happens to be here it should be just the three of us and that is how I want it. I just want to be as comfortable as possible. Candy said when the time comes you can call her and she will get the doctor out here to call my death and they take care of it from there. I don’t care what you do with my clothes or any of my belongings. I have met with a lawyer regarding the house and it is yours if you want it Matt or you can sell it. They left it to me when they left with the church and I am giving it to you but I know you have no roots here so don’t feel guilty if you let it go.

  Cait, please take what you want of my jewelry and anything else you like and then help Matt pack up my stuff and drop it off at any donation place you would like. I met a young woman during chemo that had to take two buses to get to treatment so I have signed my car over to her and left her number on the fridge next to Candy’s. Please call her when it is time for her to come get it. It helps me to have peace knowing I may help her beat this.”

  Chapter 20

  Matt

  Please God. Make. It. Stop. I am just shy of thirty years old, I should not be hearing my sister’s last wishes. There is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this conversation. I am so glad that Cait is here, helping my sister keep talking because if it were just me I would have to make her stop. She needs to tell us but it just makes things so final. She wants it to be just us, she wants to be in her room, all things that I should never have to be going over with a woman in her twenties. There is no fucking justice in this world.

  When our parent’s died I promised her we would be with each other forever. The social worker that managed our case when we entered the foster care system had told us that finding a home that would take both of us would be near impossible. I refused to let her separate us and told her I would stop eating if she tried to. She eventually got the message that maybe other siblings could be separated but we could not. Our determination to stay together got us bounced around a lot but in the end we always had each other. I don’t know how to be Matt without Court.

  The pain has not left my chest from this morning’s walk on the beach. I know why she picked the place, it was all of our happiest places. The memories that are there at that beach are remarkable, so vivid there are times I can swear I can smell the salt and taste the water. It is the perfect place to spread her ashes, but damn it, now is not the perfect time. Years ago Court and I spread our parent’s ashes at the very same place. When we carry out those wishes and we leave her there on that beach, a huge part of me will always be with her. I know this is true because as she continues to share with Cait I can feel my heart breaking in preparation for when I must leave it with her on that shoreline.

  Chapter 21

  Cait

  At this point Matt is chugging a beer while the tears stream down his cheeks. Court and I are not doing much better and we pause for a minute to try to relax. I hand her some tissue and grab a few for myself. “Is there anything else?” I ask.

  “Please take care of each other. You both are alone but you don’t have to be. Promise me that you will call each other on Christmas. I know it sounds silly but it is important to me. Don’t talk about me, just where you are and how life is going. Matt please come home every time you deploy and Cait please don’t ever go back to Elliot, he doesn’t deserve you.”

  Matt and I nod because it would be impossible to speak. Then Court tells us she is tired and needs to lay down again and Matt carries her to her room while I put my head in my hands and sob. I wish I could swallow a handful of those pain medications and relieve the grip this sadness has on my heart. I hear Matt close her door and he returns to the living room and heads straight for his beer. He doesn’t look at me and I am grateful as we both stare out the window as the sun sets.

  After each of us finish a few beers Matt finally looks at me and I can see his eyes are glazed over from the tears and alcohol. “What happened between you and Elliot, Cait?” he asks. I take another drink of my beer and struggle with where to even start.

  “It was great for a while, we traveled after finishing school. We talked about starting a family and we bought a house...you know, the American Dream. I had trouble getting pregnant and it started to wear on us. We did a few rounds of fertility treatments and just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore we got pregnant. It was such a roller coaster, sadness then happiness then sadness again. I lost the baby at four months and was terribly depressed. I wanted to try again but Elliot said he couldn’t. He had decided he wasn’t ready for children and that maybe it was a blessing.” Hearing myself say that was as horrible as hearing Elliot say it. I will never understand how he could say that losing a baby was a blessing.

  “He said that to you? He is an asshole Cait, she is right he doesn’t deserve you.” Matt says as he shakes his head in disgust.

  “I guess we all grieve in our own ways. I had trouble sleeping, didn’t want to work and threw up anything I tried to eat and he ran off with his secretary. My life turned into a fucking cliché.”

  “You want to hear cliché?” he says l
aughing. “I spent three years with a girl who broke it off when I deployed and climbed into bed with my best friend...now that is a ‘fucking cliché’.”

  We both laugh at how ridiculous life has become for us and finish our beers. I start to feel very sleepy and I rest my head on the big pillow behind me. Matt watches me for a while and then says, “So what are the chances I get to go home with the lady with wonderful smelling hair? No touching again I promise, same deal as before I will be out before Court wakes up.” I nod my head yes without hesitation this time because I know if I go to bed alone I might be the first person to actually drown in her own grief.

  “You didn’t keep your promise last night,” I say closing my eyes that are now so heavy I can’t keep them open.

  “I was out before she woke up,” he says half telling me, half asking me.

  “You spooned me in your sleep,” I say to him this time managing to open my eyes and look at him, “rather aggressively too,” I laugh.

  “I did not!” he says but then adds, “Did I?”

  We both laugh and he puts down his beer and stands over me in the chair. “You must not have fought it Cait because I’ve seen you fight.” With that he scoops me up and carries me to the bedroom. I am emotionally drained and feel as though I have been up for days. I roll to my side and close my eyes while pulling the covers over my shoulder.

  I can feel the warmth of his body under the covers and I want so badly to roll back over and rest my head on his chest. I wonder what I would have done if he hadn’t come home, how could I have done this alone? I can feel his arm above my head and I roll over to look him in the eye. I can remember when Elliot had done this early in our marriage, an invitation to rest my head on his chest and I do not hesitate to feel his warmth. As I rest my head on him he wraps his arm around me and then closes his eyes. I was married to Elliot for nine years and never did I feel as at home as I do in Matt’s arms. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel needed.

  When I wake up I am alone again. I can hear voices in the living room and I realize Candy is here already and it is still very early. I jump out of bed and run down the hall to see what’s the matter. Matt is standing there in his sweats with his hands on his hips and his face up to the sky. I know it is not good and I start asking, “What? What?” He grabs me and tucks my head into his neck in a tight embrace.

  “She’s okay, she is just too sick to get out of bed now. They have increased her medication and she is now going to be on liquid morphine. We need to give it to her every four hours no matter what.” Matt is still holding me when I start to cry. Candy leaves and I hear the screen door shut. I wrap my arms around him and cry. He rubs my back and kisses my cheek. “She is okay, Cait.”

  “They told her two weeks Matt and it has only been three days.” I suddenly feel like time is speeding by. I step back and look at him. He lifts my chin with his hand and stares into my eyes.

  “It’s going to be quick from here Cait. I have seen this before. Once they give morphine and they can’t get out of bed it happens fast. I talked to her this morning at the end of one dose before I gave her the next and said my goodbyes, you should do the same.” His eyes are full of tears but he is holding it together for me.

  Rage and sadness begin to battle within me. Time is meaningless and holds no value when a life has been brought down to this level. Four hour increments is how she is going to live out her last days. What it must be like to wake in pain and wait for the medication to work so that you can drift out of consciousness again just to wake bake up in pain. Knowing at this moment that I would give anything to trade places with her, to offer her the life I no longer want but my offer is empty because I don’t’ hold that power.

  I shake my head and try to stop the sobs. “Okay, you’re right. When is my window?” I say starting to feel like I might pass out. The irony of a window being a way out, a passage for fresh air does not escape me. The window I am seeking is to darkness, a passage to a deeper hurt, a small are of space where I will tell her all the things I thought I would have a lifetime to tell her.

  “You have about an hour. She is due for another dose then so she should be awake and we don’t want her to be in pain so you have to finish it before the next one sets in.” Pleading is the first emotion I register in his eyes. It is the need for understanding that I use my time wisely and then allow her the peace the morphine can offer. Don’t make her suffer.

  I nod my head letting him know I heard and then head back to my room for a break. I lie down on my bed and put my arm up over my eyes again. I can hear my phone buzzing but at this point I don’t care. The only person that matters is Court and she is not calling because she is down the hall dying. The tears start rolling down my cheeks and I try to cry as quietly as possible. Hearing the footsteps approaching my door I freeze, hoping my momentary loss of sanity will go unnoticed. Matt stop just outside my door and I imagine him putting his hand on the knob but when it doesn’t turn I know that he was going to give me my space.

  Chapter 22

  Matt

  Reaching down I hold the doorknob. I’m not sure what I should do next. My heart tells me to open the door, that she needs me and I have to go comfort her. My brain tells me that she needs her space. She and I had been playing around a lot but it is now serious and any hope I have that she will see how much I need her is fading as I watch her pull herself away from my comfort so she can say goodbye to Court. Desperation begins to build inside me and when I reconcile that I am probably going to lose them both it quickly turns to despair.

  I let out a breath and pause for a moment thinking what it will be like for her to say goodbye to her best friend. I saw to my sister this morning before my run and she had asked me to sit next to her. She was so weak she couldn’t move and we decided we needed to call Candy to help stop her pain. As I sat there waiting for Candy to come I held Court in my arms and rested my chin on her head. She cried for a while and told me she was sorry she wouldn’t be here for me any longer. I prayed that I could tell her what she meant to me.

  Wiping the tears from her face I found my strength and shared that she was my anchor and the best sister anyone could ask for. I told her that I loved her and that I was pissed she was being taken so soon. I let her know she was so brave to die at home, struggling through pain without the constant supervision of a doctor. Court said her goodbyes to me too and I choked down a sob when she begged me to please tell Cait that I loved her. Court told me life was too short and there was no promise of another tomorrow to wait on the right timing. She gave me permission to love her best friend and couldn’t believe that even as she lay dying she was making her death about me and my needs. I kissed her head one last time knowing that I may never get another heart to heart with the sister I would love forever.

  Leaving the hall defeated, I am too weak to fight for the one I love when her best friend is dying in front of us. Court gave me permission to pursue Cait, but she didn’t know that Cait was too good for me. It seemed that her heart will always belong to someone else. I had left my one chance on that porch when we were teenagers. Playing around was fun, but her heart had no room for a man who has no roots. Nothing has changed, one night in my bed is all that I can offer.

  Chapter 23

  Cait

  I was stupid to think I could bring him into my life for a little while without growing attached and as the pain tares through my chest I realize that I need to deny myself his love so that my break from this world can be clean. I promised Courtney my two weeks and I am hell-bent on keeping that promise. When she takes her final breath my promise to her will have been kept and I can carry out her wishes, then I can carry out mine.

  As I lay there on the bed I try to think of what I should say to her during that brief moment of time and I find no words. I want her to know what her friendship has meant to me, that I don’t know what I would have done if I did not have her to go to after those hard nights with my mom. I want to thank her for being my maid of honor and f
or the baby shower plans she and I discussed before I lost my baby. What I can’t tell her is that if I did not have her after the affair I would be dead. Hearing her diagnosis had stopped me from ending it then but if there is an afterlife I will see her there soon.

  The concept that there is some Heaven somewhere is not new. Every religion has its own version whether it be a place on top of the clouds where we find everyone we have lost, or our souls choosing another form and returning back to this life. As intelligent beings many of us have decided that there has to be something more. I am not sure if this need for something more has come from anxiety of letting go of the very things we have depended on our whole lives or if it is the incapacity of us to quantify everything around us therefor understanding that there is this stuff that is still beyond our understanding.

  My stomach turns with the thought of an afterlife. I had never been raised around religion but I had always been curious about it. In my profession it is around me all the time. When people struggle with life they look to a source beyond themselves, someone to count on, someone to be accountable to or someone to blame. I had tried church a few times with Elliot’s family but I always felt I didn’t belong, that somehow they would know how much I still hated my mother. I worried they would know how I had prayed to a God I didn’t know to take her and end my misery...and how I stopped believing He would come after years of cleaning up vomit and crying myself to sleep.

  Losing my baby had been the final straw. I remember laying in the hospital bed alone, bleeding, and feeling like God had finally settled the score. I had prayed for years that he would take a life, and then finally he did but it was that of my baby. We are even I am sure, just as my client had made her peace with Him, so had I. Now He was taking Courtney from me so the way I see it He owes me one.