Finding Cait Read online

  Chapter 7

  Matt

  I needed to say something about Elliot. I am not usually one for elephants in the room, but I guess a little more tact on the delivery would have been nice. When we were younger I remember sitting in the garage on my workout bench watching Elliot’s headlights coming up the street. The guy was such an asshole it killed me to see her with him. I fiddled with some weights so my presence there was not obvious and I listen to them say goodnight to each other. I turned away from the car when I knew she is going to kiss him but couldn’t help myself from turning back around in time to see her stunning body slip out of the truck, her legs tanned form our time on the beach.

  Cait was one of those girls that were beautiful without trying. Her long brown hair was pulled into a ponytail and the sundress she was wearing clung to her hourglass figure. She wasn’t always that sexy, when we first met she was ten and I was twelve and her outfits back then consisted of baggy jeans and oversized t-shirts. I was always interested in the older girls, unable to see Cait for the beauty she was until the summer between eighth grade and high school. Her shape had become curvy and she had let her hair grow long and I had to fight to stop myself from staring every chance I got.

  As if just looking amazing wasn’t enough, she also always smelt incredible. This little fact about her I have never shared with anyone because I know I would get shit from my friends about what a chick thought it is. It didn’t matter if we had ridden our bikes until sweat had drenched our swim suits on the way down to the beach, I still always let her take the lead so that I might catch a smell of her hair as she rode in front of me. Sitting across the street I watched her walk up to the front door of her house and I couldn’t take my eyes off her, even as Elliot pulled out of the driveway and caught me checking her out. I couldn’t wait for the day that he grew a pair and said something to me. All I needed was an invitation to bash his face in.

  Cait waved goodbye again to Elliot but he was already too far away to see it and I watched as her face became stoic and she drew in a deep breath before entering the house. She did not know that I was aware of what was waiting on her on the other side. When she came over to my house to get away from her mother and find comfort in Courts room I could hear her cry on the other side of my wall. I heard her talk about how lonely she felt over there and how horrible it was to have a mother who slept in her own vomit until Cait came home and cleaned her up. I hated to hear her pain and I would lay awake in my room quietly cursing her mother. Every instinct told me I needed to protect her, but I know her mother was not someone Cait wanted my protection from.

  Cait and I had shared one kiss and it is the reason I couldn’t get her off of my mind. One summer night Court was sick and didn’t feel up to our ride to the beach. I knew how much Cait looked forward to going so I suggested we go without Court. Cait agreed right away and when she came out of the house in a tiny red bikini with a little sundress over it I couldn’t help but think that she had walked right out of my dreams. Her hair fell over her shoulders and her skin looked so tan against the red of her suit.

  I purposely let her take the lead so I could watch her as she rode in front of me. By the time we had reached the beach it was taking all of my will power to not pull her to me and see if her lips tasted as good as they looked. We dropped our bikes like we always did where the sand meets the lot and I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she lifted the small sundress up her body exposing her thighs, then stomach, then breasts as if it was my own private strip tease. I watched as she ran into the water and I dove in after her knowing that our game would allow me to watch her for a while as she lay floating on the surface waiting for me to find her.

  Just like always we separated where the waves broke, each of us hiding from the other as the darkness surrounded us. The game had never been sexual, but that night as I searched for her the intensity to find her and touch her skin built inside me until I thought I would burst. When I saw her silhouette in the light of the moon I followed each curve of her body until my eyes had rested on her lips. I swam over to her and touched her hand but this time I couldn’t resist and I pulled her close to me so I could feel her skin against mine. She smiled at first causing my body to react instantly and when I heard her breathing heavily as we stared at each other I knew she had felt how much she had turned me on, her body reacting to the same tension I was feeling. I almost kissed her then but her face flushed and she treaded back to shore, putting painful space between us.

  We let the waves carry us onto the dark beach and when she rose from the water she watched me watching her. I was amazed at how much just the sight of her skin wet from the ocean did things to my body that no girl had ever done to me before. I told myself to calm down, that she was Court’s best friend and I knew she had never been touched the way I wanted to touch her. I got out of the ocean and we headed back up to our bikes. When we pulled up outside my house I told her to wait so I could make sure she got inside her house okay. I put our bikes away in the garage and then walked her across the street, my heart racing faster than it ever had.

  On the way across the street I looked over at her as she was biting her bottom lip and I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to touch her when we got onto her porch out of the view of any passing cars. Her mother was not home yet and when she stood in front of me unlocking the door I lost my will and brushed her hair from her shoulder exposing her bare skin to me. I felt her tremble with my touch and that was all I needed to know she would not stop me if I tried to kiss her. I kissed her shoulder first and when she turned to face me I put my hands on her face and leaned in close to her using my thumb to un-tuck her lip from her teeth. I traced her lips with my thumb, watching her eyes to see if she was okay with my touch. Her breathing became heavy again and with that I took her lip into my mouth and kissed her softly until she parted her lips slightly, inviting in my tongue.

  Our kiss grew in intensity and it was as if we couldn’t get enough of each other. Her hands roamed my body and I had to stop to catch my breath for a minute before pushing her up against her front door and letting my hands finally touch her in the places that had called to me that night. I placed my knee between her legs and parted them while I pressed myself against her, pulling her hips closer to me as we kissed. If it was any other girl I would have taken her home right then but she was special and I knew she deserved more than a night in my room. When I heard her moan against my mouth I pulled away quick before I could no longer stop myself. I rested my forehead against hers, steadied my breathing and then left her there on the porch so I wouldn’t take what wasn’t mine.

  I knew as I crossed the street that night I could never kiss her again. As much as I wanted her, I could not bare to think that I could jeopardize her relationship with my sister. I betrayed my heart when I crossed that street and I have paid for it every day since. Court was her only friend and our house, her safe escape. I lay awake in my room that night waiting to hear her sneak into Court’s room. When she did, I could hear her cry and held my breath to see if she would tell Court. I knew that I had broken her heart and the tears she was crying were because of me but I told myself it was for the best. She never mentioned what happened that night to my sister and as far as I know we are still the only two people who know what took place on that porch.

  It might have been for the best but the memory of her touch and taste has never left me. I tried hard to forget her, dating many women and making sure not to ever be alone with Cait again. My heart wanted her more than it wanted anything. It is the kind of need that you only read about, a longing that lasts a lifetime and an emptiness that can’t be filled. I have been in love with Cait since that night on the porch and it is as hopeless to try to stop as the imminent death of my sister, my other love.

  Chapter 8

  Cait

  When Matt left me on the porch one night after he kissed me I thought I had done something wrong. I had never been kissed by a boy before and when he touched me I couldn’t he
lp but to tremble. As he traced my lips I felt the warmth everywhere in my body, the intense desire to feel him close to me building in a way I had never felt before. His mouth was warm against my lips and I had opened my mouth to allow his tongue to find mine. I was cautious at first, having never kissed before and afraid I would do it wrong but when he put his knee between my legs the need I had for him overrode any insecurity I had and I melted under his touch. I met his tongue with mine and allowed my hands to feel every inch of his skin I could find. When he pressed himself against me I couldn’t help myself and a small moan escaped my mouth.

  Matt pulled away quickly and I knew I had messed something up; clearly he was far more experienced than I was. He rested his forehead on mine, steadied his breath and I wanted to say I was sorry but knew the words would not come out without tears. When he walked across the street back to his house I prayed that he would forget what happened, forget I didn’t know what I was doing. The pain of my heartbreak was so intense, I struggled to breath and not double over with the pain that started in my broken heart and radiated through my body. I promised myself I would never tell anyone about it and in return I prayed I would stop feeling like I was being pulled to him, wanting the touch of his skin.

  A few months later I kissed Elliot and I knew right away that it would never be like the kiss I shared with Matt. I loved kissing Elliot, but he never made me feel like I was going to unravel with his touch and to this day I have never met anyone that has made me tremble the way Matt did. I can’t explain how I knew my heart would never make a complete recovery after Matt. As time passed and Elliot and I went farther I told myself that what I felt with Matt was just the excitement of a first kiss and if we had gone further it would have felt the same as it did with Elliot.

  Now I am sitting on the bed as Matt holds my chin up, feeling embarrassed once again by my reaction to him. Closing my eyes I say a silent prayer that my heart can just let him go. Hen I leave this place I want nothing left in my heart but peace. I open my eyes and silently beg him to understand that the pain he is seeing was not inflicted by his statement, but instead the years of lying to myself about being in love with Elliot and the pain of wasted time and unshared loss.

  “Please don’t cry. I shouldn’t have said that,” Matt says looking into my eyes.

  “Trust me, if I could stop I would have stopped wasting tears a long time ago. I am not mad that you said it, it’s very nice to hear, but I am just such a mess being here with Court.” I can feel his rough hand on my skin as I look into his eyes. His gaze drops to my lips then back to my eyes. He stands up quickly and steps back.

  “Being here with her is excruciating. Every muscle in my body wants to run away, to leave and hear about her death from far way and removed from the weight of it. She wouldn’t do that to me so I can’t do that to her. I have no idea how to watch my sister die.”

  I want to reach out to him, to hold him and offer him comfort but I can’t. I know if I make that connection I will only being hurting both of us. While he still feels like an extension of my soul just like his sister, I am not a healthy person and I am nowhere near a balanced center. Barely walking the line is where I am, with the danger of falling over and losing my internal strength to stay here until the end. I need to do this for her.

  “I think she wants us to watch her live. She wants us all to be together as she lives her last days and as hard as it is going to be to watch her die, I think it is harder on her to have to leave us. We need to pull ourselves together or she will be the one taking care of us.” I grab my bag and begin digging through it nervously knowing he is watching me still.

  “You’re right. We should have some fun while she still can. I am going to need a few stiff drinks to get through these next few days. What do you say after a shower we head into town and get some drinks at Pete’s Place?” For the first time I see a smile reach his eyes. He is going to need to stop doing that if he wants a response from me because it takes me back to a happier place and I am left lost in the flashing memories of our childhood.

  I manage to say, “Sounds amazing. Give me twenty minutes.”

  “I am going to jump in the other shower so we can get going before it is too late.” He turns to leave and of course I watch him go. His smell lingers in my room as I gather my clothes and head for the shower.

  Chapter 9

  Cait

  Standing in the shower and let the water flow over my head. I can remember doing this as a teenager after dragging my mother to her bed for the night. It was the only time there was peace. I would turn the shower up so that if she called for me I couldn’t hear. It also drowned out the sound of her vomiting or crying over my father. I would imagine being on my own, away from all of her bullshit, but now as I stand here alone I wonder if being alone could ever be what I hoped it was.

  The week before my mother died was the most traumatic. I can in one night after saying goodbye to Court and Matt to find my mother unconscious on the floor of our kitchen. I ran to her and rolled her over on to her side knowing that sometimes she would vomit in her mouth while she was passed out. I was seventeen, terrified and trying to clear her airway all by myself. When it was clear she began to cough and her eyes were barely able to stay focused and would roll to the back of her head. I thought she was going to die right there.

  Sitting on the cold floor with her and her vomit I saw a bottle of her favorite liquor empty on the counter. I shouted at her that she had really done it this time and that she was going to die. My mother looked at me with indifference and then told me that she would never be that lucky.

  As I picked my mother up off the floor that night I knew I no longer loved her. I had tried hard for many years but it was impossible to have any positive feelings for someone with zero regard for what their actions might be doing to those who love them. I dragged my mother to her bedroom and pulled her shoes off as she passed out on her bed, then I went into the kitchen to once again clean up her mess. Part of me died that night along with her pride on that vomit covered linoleum. At seventeen I learned that in order to be safe you have to protect your heart from reckless love and instead tether it to what you can count on.

  Over the next few days my mother increased her consumption of that poison and I didn’t fight it one bit. She was a grown woman and if she decided to kill herself I was going to let her. Each night when I returned from our trips to the shore I held my breath as I stood on the porch, not sure about what I would find on the other side of the door. A part of me prayed that it was a door that separated the living from the dead.

  I found my mother dead five days after I had found her on the kitchen floor that night. Court had gone inside her house and I stood on the porch for a minute gathering the strength to open the door. My mother had not been able to work at all that week and in addition to the vomit I had been cleaning up, my new task was to clean up the urine when her body no longer allowed her to control that function. That night the door really did separate the living from the dead and I found my mother dead in her bedroom.

  At seventeen I knew that her death would change everything for me. I sat with her dead body crying, but not because I missed her, it was because I hated her for being unprepared for her death. Being emancipated was not an easy process, I had researched it for quite some time. My mother abandoned me in more ways than I knew at the time.

  When the tears finally stopped I studied her face, committing it to my memory. She had been beautiful before, her years of alcohol stealing that from her. Hating her for what she had done to my life was easy, forgiving her would be far more difficult. The last thing I remember about my mother’s face before the EMT’s removed her body from our house was how peaceful she looked. Some would say that she lost her battle with alcoholism, but I knew the truth was my mother had won her battle. Peace in death her reward.

  Chapter 10

  Cait

  I dry off quickly trying to make up for time I lost in the shower. I use my towel to dry the mirror an
d look into my own eyes. I look tired and lost. I throw on a pair of my favorite jeans and a cotton t-shirt that hugs my waist. After using the towel to twist my hair up I gather my dirty clothes to head back to my room.

  I am looking at my clothes as I open the bathroom door and release the steam that had been trapped inside. When I finally lift my head I am looking straight at Matt’s bare chest. I fight the urge to reach out and touch him, curious if he still feels warm from his shower. At this point I realize what I am doing and quickly look up to his eyes to see if he has noticed. Matt smiles at me when our eyes meet. His hair is still damp from the shower and he smells even better than he did in my room.

  “Hurry and get dressed,” I say trying to pretend the attention I was giving him was because I was distressed that he wasn’t ready yet.

  “It seems you weren’t the only one who tried to take a shower without your bags.” He disappears down the hall and into the front room to grab them. I turn and head back to my room to finish getting ready.

  In the room I grab my brush and a small bag of make-up. I quickly brush my hair and decide to twist it up out of my face for the evening. Knowing that the make-up isn’t going to help much, I still put a little on just to show some effort. I skip the mascara because I know that I have not shed all the tears I am going to shed and the black smears on my face remind me of my mother after her nights at the bars. I put on the thin silver chain with a tiny cross that Court gave me after I had lost the baby. The cross falls between my breasts and I feel more complete with it on.

  I make my way down the hall to Courts room to see if she needs any help. She has always been beautiful and even though the cancer has taken the fullness from her body she is still very breath taking with her make-up on and a colorful sundress with a matching scarf to cover her head. I wonder if she misses her long dark hair and the sadness that thought brings on slices through me so quickly I feel lightheaded. As kids we would spend hours practicing hair styles on each other and I can so clearly remember the feel of her curls beneath my fingertips as I braided her hair. Of course she misses it, I miss it and it wasn’t even mine.