Finding Cait Read online

  “What was it like to lose your hair?”

  “I fought it until the last minute. The doctors told me before my first round of Chemo that I should shave my head so that losing it wouldn’t be as traumatic. I swear I stood in this bathroom for two hours crying over the damn old clippers Matt had left here. I told myself it was just hair but it wasn’t, it was so much more. To me shaving my head meant losing my femininity, severing the last thing that made me feel beautiful.”

  “My God Court, why didn’t you call me? I would have done it for you, or sat with you. God listen to me, I don’t even know what I would have done in that moment.”

  “I know you would have been here as soon as I called but it was a battle I needed to fight within myself. I decided I would wait until the treatment took it from me because it was going to be traumatic no matter when it happened so why rush it. It fell out shortly after my second visit. I woke up one morning and when I lifted my head from my pillow I could see the battle had begun. I marched into the bathroom and grabbed the clippers, finishing what had been started whether I was ready or not.”

  “I am so sorry Court.”

  “Funny thing happened, while I cried for the first few strokes, the memory of the time Matt asked us to shave his head for football came crashing down on me. Do you remember it?” “The summer before his Junior year?” I knew exactly when it was, I can’t pass a set of clippers without thinking of it.

  “We were so nervous! I remember I couldn’t do it because I was shaking so bad, sure I would mess it up and leave him looking horrible. You took over and the faces you were making while you were concentrating gave me a fit of giggles.” Court makes my “Serious” face which leaves her brows furrowed together and tongue pinched between her lips. We start laughing at how accurately she can mimic my facial expression and soon we are doubled over laughing so hard tears are falling down our cheeks.

  “He was so pissed,” I manage to get out and she nods in agreement.

  “You see, this is exactly what happened. I was so overcome with joy of that memory that I couldn’t continue being sad. It didn’t matter anymore. I could only think of Matt yelling at us as we both dissolved into fits of giggles. I think I even peed my pants we laughed so hard.”

  Court was right, she had peed her pants. I had lost the use of my arms to the laughter and Matt has sat there with half his head shaved very unevenly trying to be angry at us but failing. He had finally tackled Court and held her down and threatened to shave her head until she had lost all control.

  Court and I both breathe out a big sigh and wipe at the tears escaping down our cheeks. “I am so excited! This is going to be just like old times!” She runs to me and hugs me as she jumps up and down. She grabs her small purse from the bed and pushes me to the front room.

  Matt is sitting on the couch drinking a beer and I watch as he looks at his sister. I know he is trying, but the sadness in his eyes cannot be masked and he quickly smiles a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. When I step out from around Court to grab my purse I can feel him look me up and down as he takes a big swig to finish the beer he is drinking. I can see from his eyes it isn’t his first beer and I suddenly have the urge to catch up as if he may have found the answer to surviving the heartbreak of this bittersweet evening.

  Court is getting weaker and I can’t imagine there will be many more trips like this to Pete’s Place. It is going to be so fun to have the three of us together again but so sad to know our moments like this are numbered. I raise my lips in a half smile when Court leaves the room to grab us some beers before we go. Matt lifts his eyebrows in an expression that says he is doing his best to keep it together.

  “Wow, my fridge looks like it belongs in a college dorm room. Full of beer and no food in sight.” Court yells from the kitchen as she is grabbing beers for the three of us.

  “Perfect,” Matt and I say together and then meet each other’s eyes for a brief moment before looking anywhere but at each other.

  “You guys are like an old married couple.” Court looks to both of us and hands us each our beer. I roll my eyes at her but Matt just smiles as he reaches for the beer in Court’s hand. I grab mine as well and the three of us take a sip.

  “I called a cab to take us there,” Court says. She motions for us to hurry up and finish our beers so we can begin the night. I wonder how she is feeling and if it is safe for her to be going out for the night and drinking alcohol. Looking at Matt, he is also looking at her as she chugs down the rest of her beer. “If you two don’t stop looking at me like I am going to drop dead any minute it is going to be a boring two weeks. I don’t care if I am supposed to be at home and in bed, if I die tonight at least it will be doing something I love with the people I love. Let’s go already!”

  The alcohol warms my blood as memories of us three getting drunk together flood my head. Matt used to sneak us beer into the room behind the garage and we would play truth or dare until I had to go back home. He told us that boys were not to be trusted and that if we wanted to get drunk it was only to be with him around. We would laugh and Court and I would conspire together to create the best dares but would be outdone each time by Matt’s brilliantly embarrassing ideas.

  Matt seemed so much older than us as he watched over us in the garage room. He let us have fun but would cut us off before we ever were going to get sick. At the end of the night he would help tuck us into bed in Court’s room of my mother had already come home or he would walk me across the street if she hadn’t returned from the bars. I always forgot to bring a sweatshirt on purpose so that he would offer me his, his scent and warmth surrounding me as he guided me across the street with his hand on my back.

  We all get into the cab as Court squeezes into the middle. We tell the driver where we are headed and I watch as Court sings along to the song on the radio. I want to remember this moment forever and the panic begins to sink in as I realize I have no way of remembering it all. I quickly look out the window before anyone can see my eyes well up again. I have got to get drinking if I am ever going to make it through tonight.

  When we arrive at the bar we file out of the cab and Matt gives the driver the money. Court runs up to a group of girls standing outside and begins chatting and giving hugs. I am standing there watching her, waiting for the girls to say something about her scarf or thin new stature but they don’t. Court told me that everyone in town knows she is dying. Court also told me that she has said her goodbyes to those that matter and has let everyone know her Hospice nurse will place her obituary in the local paper to notify them of her passing. Suddenly feel the warmth of Matt on my back and his hands cup my shoulders.

  “We can do this,” he whispers into my ear and my body melts with his touch. I can feel myself lean back into his as I release the breath that has been trapped in my lungs. “Let’s go get drunk,” he says as he moves his hand down from my shoulder to my hand a pulls me towards the front door. “Do they still have live bands in here?” he asks turning his head back towards me.

  “I haven’t been here in ages Matt, I have no idea what is waiting for us in there.” I try to act as if his hand is not causing the feeling of electricity to race through my body. I have to tell my brain to please move my feet as he drags me along.

  “I hope so,” he says, “I can’t wait to watch you dance like you used to.” He smiles again and lets my hand slip from his as he leans in closer to whisper, “those jeans are killing me,” before turning to enter the bar after Court. I can even feel a small flush in my face. I enter the bar behind them and hope for more moments like that to keep me from drowning in my sadness.

  Chapter 11

  Matt

  When we get out of the cab I watch her tuck her hair back as small pieces fell to her face and as much as I try I cannot take my eyes off of her. Standing here watching her nervously chewing her lips takes me back to that passionate kiss on her porch. I just have to touch her. When I reach out and put my hand on her shoulders I feel desire hit me and I n
eed more. I move my hand down to take hers in mine as if I have done it a million times.

  Court runs ahead of us to the bar so I tow Cait along behind me feeling the weight of her hesitance. I want to fix this for her. I want to take care of her like I used to before I messed things up so badly between us. I don’t want to let her small hand go as we approach the bar but I know that my excuse for holding it has ended so I release her hand and hope the opportunity to hold it again will emerge.

  Bars are supposed to be fun, loud music and willing women. Tonight I feel like we have entered the wake of a close friend. People are looking at my sister cautiously and the tension in here is so thick I fell like I’m suffocating. In war, there were moments when we would come upon a hold out where some fo our men had died. Marines and soldiers would be standing around quietly communicating through small head nods and unmet eyes. Tonight in this bar I find myself falling back into that pattern, nodding to old friends but silently communicating that I don’t want to be talked to.

  Chapter 12

  Cait

  Matt takes the bar stool next to his sister and I sit down next to her as well. Court is dancing to the music as the bartender fills our orders. I watch as the bartender looks at Court uncomfortably as he pours our drinks. I glance at Matt and see that he is watching him too. His jaw is tight and I can see the anger in his eyes. He feels the same way I do about this stupid guy who can’t take his eyes off of Court as if seeing a woman in a scarf was somehow absurd.

  “It’s a scarf asshole, just pour our fucking drinks or you and I can go outside and it won’t be to discuss fashion.” Matt raises his eyes to meet the bartender’s as he spits out the command with the harshest tome I have ever heard him use on a stranger. The bartender suddenly looks embarrassed as he hands us our drinks.

  “Sorry man, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I didn’t mean anything by it, she is beautiful,” the bartender says as he throws his towel over his shoulder, raises his hands in surrender and nods at Court. He rushes to the other end of the bar to help a customer.

  “You haven’t changed Matt,” Court says in a tone that makes it even hard for me to decide if she is pissed or happy about what Matt did.

  “Sorry Sis, some things don’t change.”

  “I know, and watching you fight has always been fun, but can I please get drunk before we have to make a run for it?” she asks giggling and I relax knowing she was all right with his sharp tone. I too wanted to yell at the guy and only held back because I didn’t think Court had noticed his stare.

  “Then you better drink fast,” he says with a wink and we all laugh as we throw back our drinks.

  There is a band playing and they are doing a great job, or I am drunk. Either way I lean back on the bar and watch Court dance trying to think of the last time I felt at home. I know this time is going to be short, but being in a bar with Court and Matt made me feel young again. I am drinking my beer when Matt leans on the bar beside me. Our arms are touching and I secretly hope he leaves his there. It feels safe to be by him.

  “It’s like old times huh?” he asks loudly over the music.

  “I was just thinking that. I wish this moment could last forever.” I can see a pretty girl looking at Matt as she dances and I hope he doesn’t notice her. The thought is not rational, he doesn’t belong to me. Our conversation has stopped because he is watching her dance now. I shake my head in disgust, and, if I am honest, jealousy as he stands up and places his empty beer on the bar.

  “Excuse me,” he says as he heads to the dance floor. It feels as though he is stepping on my heart with each step he takes away from me and towards her.

  “Of course,” I say but he doesn’t stay around long enough to hear it. He approaches the girl on the dance floor just as the band begins to play a slow song. I roll my eyes at the whole cliché of the situation. He says something to her and she smiles and nods her head yes. He pulls her close and they begin to dance with his hands dangerously low and their legs tangled together. I watch as she closes her eyes and rests her head on his shoulder. I am so busy watching them I don’t notice Court come sit beside me.

  “I’m tired Cait. I think I need to go home.” She looks pale and sweaty and suddenly I am frightened that we might have overdone it. I nod and grab her purse from the bar to call the cab. When the driver picks up he says he will be here in a few minutes. The haziness of the evening begins to clear and panic fills the large space that jealousy and disappointment had previously occupied.

  “I can’t walk alone Cait, I think I drank too much and I am dizzy. Can you please help me outside? We can text Matt from out there and see if he wants to ride with us or go home with her.” I nod and wrap her arm around my neck.

  After Matt had left for the Marines, I would often help Court home when we had drank too much at a party. She would put her arm around my neck and we would both struggle to stay upright as we weaved back and forth until we made it home. Her arm had once felt so heavy to me and now that it felt just shy of a whisper I realize all the times I took for granted that she would wrap a healthy arm around me. I grab her hand with mine and clasp onto it, needing to feel connected to her. I look back one more time to see if Matt is noticing us leave but of course he is too busy dancing with the pretty girl to notice what we are doing.

  Once outside I put her in the cab and text Matt.

  Me:

  Outside. Court is tired we are leaving.

  I can hear the music switch to something faster and after a few more minutes of Matt not responding Court asks that we just leave him and take her home. I slide in next to her and she rests her head on my lap again. We leave the parking lot and head for home. I feel her purse buzzing and grab her phone while she sleeps.

  Matt:

  Are you guys ok? I am sorry I didn’t hear my phone.

  Me:

  I’m fine, Court just got too tired. Taking her home. Have fun.

  Matt:

  Are you sure you don’t need me?

  I want to tell him I do need him; that I thought I could do this alone but I can’t. I am not strong enough to face her mortality. When we get home it is just going to be me, Court, death and me. I begin to cry as I text back.

  Me:

  I’m fine. I can do it.

  I lie because I know how he numbs his pain and who am I to stop him. I was at peace in that bar and why shouldn’t he get to stay or leave with someone that could make his bed less lonely. He is going to have to continue his life without her; I on the other hand still don’t plan on being here without her for long. Two weeks, I just have to make it two weeks. I shut my eyes tight forcing out the tears that have gathered there as I repeat just two weeks on the inhale and exhale of each breath.

  When we get home I help Court into a bath. Her frail body lays in the hot water as I help to turn off the faucet. I can see where she is bruised at the sites where she got IV medications. After I help her bathe I grab a fresh towel and hold it up so she can step into it. She lifts herself out of the bath and wraps herself up in the towel.

  “Thanks for helping and for letting him stay. He needs to do this any way he can. He has lost some of his friends during the deployment and death has such an ugly place in his heart. I want mine to be peaceful for him. I want him to get to say goodbye no matter how hard it is. With my death I am giving him what those others couldn’t...time.” She starts to cry and I help to dry her off. I am still fuzzy from the drinks but I understand that her gift to him is peace with his loss of her. Letting my tears fall silently as she cries, I rock her in my arms before wiping the salty tears from her face.

  The last time that I had to help her to bed we were seventeen and she had just had her heart broken by her first love. Court would finally get herself to stop crying only to hiccup on a sob and start all over again. I remember feeling her pain as if it was my own and praying that she got over him soon. I had helped her get dressed then too, only then her flesh was more pink and her ribs had not been visible through h
er skin. I would take that heartbreak all over again if we didn’t have to face this one tonight.

  I help her to her bed and slip a nightgown over her head. I turn around to give her a little privacy as she pulls up her underwear and then tucks her legs under the covers. I watch her adjust her bald head on her pillow and I smile as she closes her eyes. I take a seat in the chair by the window and put my feet up on the bed to watch her sleep. It is dark and I rest my head on the back of the chair.

  It is in the darkness I realize that I haven’t thought of Elliot in hours. I have been lost in my old world of Court and Matt where a younger me lives. I am not a therapist, I am not a wife, I am a carefree spirit with a buzz listening to a good band. I am grateful for the gift Court has given me tonight and I close my eyes as the tears begin to flow again.

  Elliot and I were married as soon as he was accepted to college. His parents threw us a small wedding on the beach with only family and close friends in attendance. I was only eighteen and while everyone kept telling me that was too young to be married, I needed the stability of a partner and I wanted so badly to move out of the spare bedroom at Court’s house that always smelt like Matt.

  Matt had left just before his eighteenth birthday for boot camp and the room he had lived in still held some of his belongings. There were a few pictures of him in his football jersey and a small frame held a picture of the Argyles with him at graduation. I respected his decision to not be adopted but it still hurt me to think that they treated Court so wonderfully and he would not allow them to do the same for him.